I need to stop saying "when..."

Each Christmas I spend a year older, whether I like to admit it or not, it does feel like certain magical feelings drift away. I can better understand now those Christmas songs (a lot of them by TSO) about coming back to the child within. But more on that later.

For quite some time now, I'm ashamed to say I haven't picked up any new or good books. After discovering a service called LibreVox, I've started to repent, and I started that penance with a book called "The Land of Hidden Men" by Edgar Rice Burroughs. Being unfamiliar with the name, it didn't even occur to me who the author was until after I finished the whole novel. And then it made sense. No, I haven't read any of his novels on Tarzan, yet, so I have little to gauge the man by, but as for this read, it was frankly very good! A good book draws you into the story- makes you feel like you're there and like you can really sympathize with and understand the characters well- even the ones you love to hate. And this book did that, all while telling a fantastic story of adventure, mystery and romance. It was great!

And it was a thankably slow week at work for the holidays, overall. Regarding said holidays, and my previous thought I said I'd return to, I had a different thought, which went something along the lines of this: I haven't hardly listened to any Christmas music this season- and I normally love Christmas music- why then? Have I lost something important?

For myself, I think there's a few answers to that. One one hand, perhaps it's because this season, I've had more of a mindset on how I feel so much more strongly and impressively on the life and mission of Jesus that, comparatively, his birth didn't really seem quite as important to celebrate and commemorate; I say that, knowing it was still a very important a amazing event, when you learn to understand and believe the truth of what happened.

And yet, on the other hand, it was been a slow acceptance (and even still ongoing) as I've come to realize that, in my mind, as I've been searching high and low for a house for us to move into, I have started to develop a mentality- one that I think most people would know by the rationalization and fantasization of "when I'm rich and famous". Now, of course, I never use those exact words, and it has much more to do with "when we finally own a home and life is stable"- which of course, life never really, truly is. I think my mind has justified it against itself as a defensive coping mechanism for the stress, but justified or not, I've come to realize that certain tasks and goals in my mind are being put on the "pending" table, because I think to myself, if I start now, once we've moved, it'll be harder to get back into the swing of it, or in the case of home repairs and upgrades, that my efforts might be wasted for how short a time we may yet spend living in this apartment.

I think the realization began about a month ago, when we decided to put up Christmas decorations and lights around the apartment. I was hesitant to do so, until my wife suggested it helped bring the spirits up around the place- and that's when I started to more fully realize the error of my way. I keep waiting and waiting for the moment when my foot is perfectly in place, my body perfectly prepped, and the gunshot fires and I begin the race with a fantastic lead. The reality is, such moments hardly ever come- and when they do, it's almost for the worse when they're gone, since things start to feel much more like real life, and certain things become difficult, again.

I speak abstractly about goals, like my desire to lose a little more weight, my want to be a little more active with my pastime hobbies, and my hope that I'll soon get a better internet connection that allows these self-hosted services to run a little more powerfully than a wireless internet modem running out of my crammed utility closet which is open with loud fans in the dining room can afford. I don't mind being vulnerable and describing these goals I have, because I think, maybe excluding the last one to some degree, a lot other people share them with me.

And whether they do or not makes no difference; the point is, I hope I can find better motivation within me to discipline myself a little better to achieve these, because in my state of having become somewhat lazy, I feel that by losing some control of my physical and other appetites, I have lost the ability to appreciate good moments and certain spiritual feelings. I fear it's beginning to sound like the pre-game talk before my new year's resolutions- and what timing, right? All the same, these are now become my goals, and I hope and pray I'll know how better to follow them and gain back a portion of the good man I used to be.

But there, at least I know I have hope. Indeed, you, me and everyone has hope in becoming our best selves- and it's because we have the opportunity to repent and grow. Personally, I am grateful beyond words to my savior who made it possible. And I hope you succeed, too, in your good desires and aims. Until next time, see ya!

I need to stop saying "when..."

Adminisk8or

12/25/2023