The way ahead is nothing but uncertain- but even if the tunnel is over a mile long (and this one is), it does have an end.

Things get dark and difficult...

Adminisk8or

09/17/2024

If you're one of the few and possibly non-existent people who actually happen to regularly follow these blog posts, and you're wondering why it's been a few weeks... let's just say a summary wouldn't do it justice, and yet it has to.

Perhaps I'll start out with the nicer things, though it's not exactly all chronological. Let's see... I almost tipped my car over going offroading a few weeks ago. I went onto a little side ridge road next to the real dirt road, and forgot I wasn't in 4WD and started slumping down the silty slope; I actually felt my wheels start to leave the ground right before I went from almost 80 something degrees back to 0. And then there was my little patio fountain- I've had it for about 7 years, and for almost 4 years, I haven't used it because the lights on it broke. I've repaired and replaced the lighting system on that things many times, and I finally got around to it again the other night, and it looks better than ever!

And I would be remiss if I didn't also mention I got to spend a whole week with my in-laws (whom I love very much (and I mean that honestly, that's not sarcasm)), and we had some awesome adventures!

But for as much fun and adventure as I've had, it has also been perhaps some of the most difficult weeks of my entire life. And where shall we begin? (Spoilers, sad life events incoming).

The very same day I almost tipped over my car going offroading and having fun, that morning, we had gotten word that my brother-in-law and his wife were going into labor with their second girl. We were all very excited, and thus far throughout the day, we had only heard good news. And then there was a long wake of silence. Then the later night came, and we got the worst news you could expect- the child died in birth. It was a heartbreaking moment for all of us, and I can't even begin to fathom the deep soul-tearing feelings of my brother-in-law and his wife. Needless to say, we were all there that next day to support them, and then came back up the following weekend for the funeral.

And that would be enough to make for some bad days for me, truly- but as the old axiom goes, "but wait- there's more".

As if it wasn't bad enough to have this happen- to have such a loss occur within a family you love so much- imagine my reaction when I asked for the day off, and my manager almost denied it. No, I'm dead serious. What, you dare to think I'm pulling your leg? You have the gall to assume I'm playing it up? Well how about this phone call that I happened to record which proves exactly what I'm describing? Yep. I kid you not- this is the hell I'm living in at work right now- a manager who puts on the face of a hero, but inwardly reflects the attitudes of a playground bully who loves to gaslight. Oh, and as a bonus, this is company that prides themselves on humanized PTO.

And that's frankly just the tip of the iceberg, there. Besides pretending like I've been a sneaky abuser of paid time off, he goes 10 miles out of his way to belittle my efforts, find faults where there are none, and frame every bit of bad luck I run into on me, as if everything bad that happened was even remotely preventable. If I'm being honest, in the two-ish years I've known him, I can't recall a single compliment he's given me- and how ironic, considering I used to literally email the higher-ups about him, and boast about his good helpfulness and skills. It really is tragic when you go from holding someone in high regard to having them be the reason you never want to go to work.

And that's seriously where I'm at right now. I don't think anyone would blame me for not wanting to return to that swampy mire every day. Why would anyone want to keep working at a place where your manager is the reason your depression is reaching some all-time highs? (And how ironic that we were just told to take a suicide awareness training and a depression screening)!

And here, I do truly apologize for that not-so-fun rant I had to get off my shoulders. Perhaps if there's one good thing I can say about it all is that I'm beginning to see things in another light. Growing up, with only very minor exceptions, I don't ever recall having any bully problems at school- and I considered myself lucky! Now, I have a greater sympathy than ever for those who, like I now do, very much loathe the false old proverb of "sticks and stones". You know, it's interesting- as I was thinking about things today at a worship service, it occurred to me- in Christian literature, we often hear a lot about prophets and old missionaries (and modern ones, too) who were put into these dangerous scenarios where they were kept safe by miracles- freed from dank prisons, saved by angels, etc. And yet I wonder if at least half of those times or more, if those saints, new and old, would rather have taken the stones, the arrows, the prison bars and fires- because at least those only hurt for a while, unlike the berating and cruel dejections and slurs that would probably follow them for months and even years on end. James was too correct when he said "The tongue can no man tame; it is an unruly evil, full of deadly poison".

And if all of that doesn't do it for me, my car is in the shop right now for what is almost certainly some pretty expensive engine repairs. Because, as my new favorite bully would say, "you're burning the rope at every end, man!".

But I don't want to walk away from this blog post like that- because I saw things in yet another light, today. And it was a difficult place to put myself. We often hear about the ultimate Christian challenge to "love thy enemy" and "bless them that curse you". So easy to write on paper, isn't it? How much harder it is when you're in the heat of the moment. But I took a moment today, while at that worship service, to think and reflect on things. And at the end of the day, I see and recognize the truth- my manager is a great man, who is very skilled and is ambitious at what he does- and is even fairly friendly. I don't understand the reasons he's chosen me as his plaything and bully meat- maybe I never will. And it's hard for me to just say "that's okay" because I've become a victim, and I hate being a victim! It makes me want to quit my job more with every passing day. (and I do intend to, the moment I hear back from any of the dozen or so places I applied to). But as I've mentioned in recent blog posts, I really do want to adhere to the knightly virtues, one of which is hope- and although it's hard, sometimes, at the end of the day, Hope Rides Alone.

And by the way, in saying all this, my heart quickly and compassionately goes out to everyone out there who not only deals with this kind of issue, but every other kind of workplace issue. In light of suicide awareness month, I want everyone who feels like I do right now (and worse) to just hang on and ride the storm out. Things get pretty bad- they often do. But eventually, things do get better- they always do. And I, for one, am on your side, cheering you on as you try to keep your shipwreck afloat. Talk to your friends, spend time with your family- and give yourself some time, too- you deserve it. Until next time, see ya!